• Title: The Godfather 2 (PC)
• Developer: EA Redwood Shores
• Publisher: EA

Here is a hypothetical question: if you saw a sign next to a road saying "death" and beneath that, "even more death", would you be stupid enough to walk down that road? Apparently I would, because even with the knowledge of who was developing and publishing The Jesusfather 2, I still hid horse heads in my grandmothers bed until she bought it for me. The whole; strategy fusioned with third-person-shooter really sucked me in as I really love games with both a penis and a vagina ( don't read too deep into that ). But all the game did for me, was to remind me how much EA just exceeds at vomiting the one puke-title up after the other.

Here is my experince with The Godfather 2:

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Everything begins with an unskippable logo presentation. At least they were nice enough to delay my pain by 10 seconds... every damn time you want to play!

”Care for a face mask?”

Like most sandbox games (I use that term loosely here), you get to alter the face of your character, Dominic NoLastName. But all you really get to do is moving some sliders which makes him look more or less like a plank, decorated with hair from my armpit. Even with all his face-features randomly placed, he still looked like everybody else who weren't a major character. At least, those I had the time to study while reloading my gun.

Oh god, father.

The game starts off in Cuba where you, your boss, the Don (Michael) and some old liquid-fart are celebrating the new year. Shit goes down, revolution starts, some people dies (actually, only those with a puppet master symbol above their head survived. But that is just what happens when you give the player a gun with unlimited ammunition) and it's now your job to conquer New York!

This is where the Don's View get into play. Basically, it's a strategic overview of your friends, enemies, weapons, favors, rackets, racks, grocery list and so on. It also has a cool 3D map, which is actually the best part of the entire game. It makes it so much easier to navigate around indoors. One step forward and a catapult leap backwards.

To proceed, you take over rackets. You do so, by beating or threatening the owner to cut off their balls or make them play The Godfather 2. Having these rackets will provide you and your crew with different upgrades like knuckles, armored cars, body armor or penis-enlargers. But it's mostly just bland status changing factors, like dealing more damage with this and that. Nothing special really, but you might wanna unlock the armored car as it will increase the number of total available cars by 12.5%. Obviously, driving wasn't the devolopers primary concern. There are next to no cars. Every car handles like a brick made of non-drivable material. So racing between other cars on the highway is about as much fun as having a kidney disease. I found it much more satisfying just driving on the footway.

You also gets to handpick your crew. 4 members total, each of them with 1 to 4 special abilities.

1. Medics, can revive you and your crew. Also known as Jesus(s).
2. Arsonists, can set turds on fire and wave around with their lighters.
3. Engineers, won't rest before every fence in the world have been raided.
4. Safecrackers, can slow down the pace of a perfectly fun racket invasion.
5. Demolition-men, makes stuff go shiny.
6. Bruisers, can sneak up on enemies and put their knife in them, just like you.

But in reality, there are only 3:

1. Medics, with just 2 of your crew members being medics, not even a nuclear bomb made out of a million shotguns could destroy you.
2. Safecrackers, they grant you access to some extra pocket money. But since there is nothing to use your money on, why would you bother?
3. The rest. Their only purpose is to slow the game down by having to wait for them, granting you access to a closed area either by burning, blowing or sucking their way though.

You could technically sabotage your rivals rackets with your crew members, which prevents the enemy gang from utilizing the upgrade that is connected to that racket. But it's hardly worth doing so, since it only takes 2 more minutes to just capture it.

There are only 2 ways to get rid of all that damn cash that is stacking in your pockets. Upgrade your crew with new weapons or hiring guards for your rackets. Hiring guards is highly recommended, as your rivals don't have any respect for your privacy or property. But it's only recommended, for all the wrong reasons. You don't get any clear notification when they attack one of your rackets. So you need someone to delay the attack until you coincidently, are aware of it. The other reason is, it's annoying to be attacked in New York while you are having a boring time in Florida. Having to fly and drive the whole way back, just so you can keep that damn penis-enlarger upgrade, is just annoying.

2 hours later

Apparently, playing the game doesn't make it prettier over time. I normally don't really care about graphics, but The Godfather 2 is just so unappealing to the eye, even with all the video settings maxed out. To prevent your eyes from bleeding, please destroy your monitor immediately (doing so will make you cool!).

The story is absolutely hideous. I haven't seen the second Godfather movie, but my guess is that they just took the good scenes, creamed all over them and shoved it all together. Obviously while having inappropriate monkey-sex with Mario Puzo's corpse. The End.

Talking can't be skipped either and the dialogue is just plain boring. But why would you even talk to anybody instead of turning them into lifeless ragdolls? Because you need to do favors in return for information on how to kill your rival families officers. Actually, you don't even need to do that. When you destroy their headquarter/mansion after getting all their rackets, all the officers disappear anyway. So, it's just another pointless, tedious gameplay element that wasn't necessary to begin with.

The only things you can do in this game, is capturing rackets or doing missions to proceed with the story. They even have the balls to forcefully make you lose around 6 rackets by reaching a certain point in the story and there is not a damn thing you can do about it! Except capturing them AGAIN afterwards. It's just a cheap way to make an already cheap game, longer.

However, nothing I've said/wrote so far, can't even be compared to the feces pile I'm about to take a dip in. We all know, that WASD transports you from point A to point B. We all know, that the left mouse button makes people stop breathing. We all know that space let you choose your weapon... wait, what? That's right, you can't even jump in this god riddled game! So, if there is a cement block, railing or inconveniently placed condom, you have to walk around it. A lot of areas and mazes are build, only with these ridiculous 10 cm high “walls”. They haven't even made a fall animation for our protaginist. So if you find a building you can run off, you just float-walk in the air while “going down”, landing like a cat with 2 legs, rock solid on the ground (not even a sound).

Nope, you can't walk over it.

 

10 hours later

Done. Quit. Uninstall. Whine on the internet.

Okay, okay, the conclusion. The story itself ends in typical Hollywood fashion. Mr. Evil Guy get his lungs replaced with a swiss cheese and your index finger gets raped by a lot of middle-aged men who now worships you as the new godfather. So, what good came out of this 10 hour short journey? Well, the 3D map was pretty cool and should differently be used in other sandbox games (or rather just; used in sandbox games). To be honest, the gun-play wasn't bad. Shooting a bad boy in the knee, running up to him and replacing his torso with a fine red mist was actually pretty entertaining. But hardly worth the money that my grandmother spent on it.

Oh yeah! There is also online multiplayer. Give me a moment to find out if it's any good!.. Nope, it still doesn't work, hurray!